Happy Day to the Vets

Today is Veterans’ Day and in honor of the brave men and woman fighting for freedom, etc. I will post something that nothing to do with them whatsoever.

- I can’t consume broccoli, chocolate, coffee, any alcohol, soy sauce (!), Taco Bell, McDonalds, onions, and garlic.
- I can longer say “I’ve never had poop in my mouth” which means at least another 10 points on the Purity Test (regardless if its cheating)
- Most men no longer look me straight in the eye but to be fair my boobs are GIANT (36G)
- Where did this hair come from? Seriously. Am I shaving my legs or trimming my pubes?
- My nipples are mostly purple now. And flat. What?
- My vagina has changed
- We now have friends in two categories: Parents and Non-Parents
- My life revolves around eating and sleeping only not my eating and sleeping habits
- Being off my BPD meds is the hardest thing I’ve ever done (minus the obvious)

Buggery

In the beautiful state of South Carolina a man has been found guilty of a disgusting sex act - having sex with a horse. He got THREE YEARS in prison for that. I'm not a proponent of sex with horses. In fact, if I were running for office I would run a platform strictly against horse sex. Not because I don't find horses sexy, but because their large, strange eyes can't choose their sexual partners (free will and all that).

What I find weird and disconcerting about the whole story though wasn't that a man got caught having sex with a horse (for the second time), but that he was found guilty of "buggery."

Apparently the definition of buggery is "sodomy." So the man was sentenced and found guilty of sodomy and NOT animal cruelty, which means that sodomy is still illegal in South Carolina? Wow. OK.

Also, does that mean that when someone calls you a "little bugger" (with or with out an English accent) that they are actually calling you a "sodomite?" Which is kind of like calling something lame the word "gay." These moments of awakening was like when I realized what "cotton picking minute" really meant. Only instead of slavery its about anal sex.

So basically in S.C. you can get three years hard time not for animal cruelty, but instead for the act of sodomy. Good job, South Carolina. So if I run across the street to break into a house, do I get arrested for jaywalking or burglary?

New Rules

Now that I’m a mom I have found there are certain activities I can no longer engage in because of my inner fear of death or severe injury. I’m not sure where this deeply imbedded aversion has come from but it is overwhelming.

I can’t stomach the thought of rollercoasters, speeding and driving erratically, base jumping, or even riding a motorcycle. This strange feeling of survival is new to me. Once in Ocean City, Maryland the undercurrent started to pull me out to sea and when I had given up the fight to live approximately 15 feet from the beach, a friend pulled me to safety. Clearly, I was missing that drive to live earlier and now that I have babies, I have this new desire to stay alive.

I’ve also come up with a list of places I will no longer visit or frequent due to a statistically higher chance of death, bodily assault, or dismemberment as per intelligence garnered from the media:

Jogging paths near any type of wooded areas
Dark alleys
JB’s neighborhood
Air Shows
Any establishment where people go by nicknames instead of first names
Cabot Cove
Hudson University
Jumbo Jets
Sunnydale

I’m keeping an ongoing list so if you can think of any other places please let me know ASAP. I don’t want to unwittingly take undue risks with my life and limb. That’s how I roll now.

Stupid Stupid Stupid

In response to the recent Metro accident a Facebook friend posted the following:

[Name] says all things work according to his plan. No matter what you are going through, know in your heart that God knows what you really need. Hold your head up high and remember the battle is the LORD'S! You don't have to fight it.....God will do it for you. Stop getting in his way!

Give me a fucking break! Wait, what was I thinking? Of course God was up there thinking... "Hmmm we need some more angels or whatever. Let me cause a horrific accident where 100 people are maimed and 7 people die a tragic, painful death. Amen to me!”

Shut the fuck up. I hate that shit. Get your stories straight. Either He is loving and great or randomly kills His “children.” It’s like when people responded to our babies in the NICU for 9 weeks with bullshit phrases like “God knows what He is doing” or “God doesn’t give you more than you can bare.” Total crap. If your God kills babies because he needs another fucking baby angel then your God is a sadistic fucker full of hate.

People got hurt and lost their lives yesterday. The Lord did nothing to cause this shit and it isn’t part of a “plan.”

Grow up.

Misunderstanding of This Thing Here

I would classify myself as “liberal” but I have my limits. For instance, I’m not a big fan of Obama’s health plan (another post). After a miscarriage, hospital bed rest, and preterm babies, I was worried about my thoughts on abortion. I’ve always been a prochoice kind of gal. After sobbing so hard after losing a pregnancy so early on, I had a new respect for the making baby business. And then after giving birth to twins that were 12 weeks premature and watch them fight for their lives on a daily basis, I thought this too would greatly alter my feelings on the matter.

I have found that I still believe in a woman’s right to choose, albeit with caveats. For instance, I find it a hard pill to swallow that abortions happen for non medical reasons after 12 weeks. At 12 weeks they have a human baby profile and are moving and feel pain. I can see the need for this procedure for a medical reason (major defects, mother’s health, etc.), but not so much for a woman that can’t make up her mind if she is ready to be a mom or not.

But after reading this article, I simply wanted to throw up. Third term abortions? Really?

I fought with everything I had to make to the 3rd term and made it there for two whole days before giving birth. The article notes that these procedures are only done for medical reasons. But what medical reason is there? Seriously. I’m asking. What issues come up where they have to abort the baby instead of giving birth and taking it to the NICU? Next to my son’s crib in the NICU there was a 23 weeker. She was only 1lb 2oz at birth. What would had to have happened for a doctor to advise his patient that instead of giving it their best in the NICU they would instead have to abort the baby and just know that all was lost?

Some things I just don’t understand.

My Boobs, My Sleep

I fell asleep upstairs in the pumping room (Nursing Mothers’ Room) while at work. I woke up with a pool of sticky milk in my lap. And I drooled on myself. All in all it was pretty hot.

I could fall asleep anywhere for any amount of time. And now I have a pumping hickey on the side of my breast where my sleeping self made a futile attempt at continuing to pump.

And apparently I was out for like an HOUR. Awesome.